learning to pick my battles all over again

i think i have mentioned at least a couple times that after we had thomas, we started arguing more than we ever had in 9 years of marriage. even at the hospital, we had a couple arguments. hopefully william doesn't mind me sharing this, but at the very end of the year, we had a particularly bad fight that spanned almost 3 days. yes, 3 days, and it was mostly b/c i was not going to give in! of course, i can't remember what kicked it off, it was probably inconsequential to the true cause of our constant bickering. i was being really stubborn and basically decided that if he wanted a crappy Christmas, i would give him a really crappy one. i was so, so angry that i actually started thinking about starting new. i didn't need william or his baby. i could work, find a new life. i didn't need the way he was treating me. i stewed and stewed over the fact that i deserved better. can you believe what i was contemplating?? i would NEVER leave thomas or william, but i was thinking and fantasizing about it. i was so fully given in to my anger. yucks! in 9 years, even in a rare, blow out argument, i never thought about leaving until last year. it is easy to see why people get divorced. it is the easy way out - you never have to be an adult and learn to compromise and share responsibility. and yeah selfish too.

on a side note, i was not mean to thomas, but i did completely ignore him. which is just as bad. i still remember hearing his little voice call out "mommy?" and giving no answer back. the sad look of confusion and hesitation on his face, as he watched me walk around, not making eye contact with him. he absolutely knew that daddy and mommy were fighting and that mommy was not happy with something. and he had nightmares that night. 5-6 of them where he woke up crying and screaming out. thomas is a really good sleeper and rarely wakes up between 9:30 and 7:30am. i knew it was b/c we had been arguing. thinking of that now, i really regret taking it out on him in that way.

william broke the standoff on the 24th, by giving me a hug and asking that we not make this a bad start to the new year. that completely broke me. i would have just started sobbing right there if i wasn't still trying to hold my pride in. me and my stupid pride! i should have just hugged him back but i didn't want to give in yet. stubborn ass... :p

anyways, we were talking about it few days later and realized, that we've become much less tolerant of each other. having a kid not only adds physical stress, but since we are chronically sleep deprived, makes us less tolerant. so all of our patience and love are used up on thomas and we have none left for each other.
i think we have stopped picking battles wisely and allow every little thing that comes up to bother us. it is terrible, not to mention exhausting too! but once we were able to see what was happening, we have both consciously tried to break that pattern. kind of a new year's resolution, but more of a desire to break a bad habit. i mean, b4 thomas, our relationship was really good. we had learned what was important to each other and gave in when we needed to. what happened to that?

with thomas in the picture, all of sudden, i don't want to give in. i don't want to concede or just take it. i want to fight back and not just let him know that was a crappy thing to do, or that i didn't like his tone of voice or his attitude. not just let him know, but throw something bitchy back. i can even feel my ire growing as i try to tell myself to cool it. but i just can't help myself sometimes! i have a feeling that pregnancy and it's aftermath play a part. for women, it changes your hormonal balance, and i haven't felt very emotionally stable at all for the past 2 years. even being aware of it doesn't help. i mean, let's face it - it is hard to fight being on your cycle and being sleep deprived at the same time!!!

at least b4 thomas, it was predictable for about a 4 week pattern. ha ha... but now, we are both all over the place. i just never know when something is going to tick me off. and william is no better. with a new high stress job (started July 07), i have no idea when he is moody and irritable either. the smallest hint of disagreement from me can put him in a down mood that takes him down the dark side. and he doesn't bounce back fast either. not to mention beer/wine at least 5 days a week, the more than occasional smoke with buddies who want company in their foul habit, and having to listen daily to a needy co-worker who disparages everything his wife does. none of that helps.

i tell you, if you or your husband has a high-stress job, you need to allow for that in your relationship. home should be a place to come home and relax, not have more stress. i have never seen william so high-strung from job related stress (he has been lucky) and his behavior in the last 6 months is different from anything i have seen from him, ever. maybe the only time that came close is when he was taking his state dental board exams in 1996, but we were much younger and i didn't know him as well.

so all these things have conspired to bring our relationship down. we are trying to reverse it, but it's def an uphill battle. it is always easier to give in to anger and resentment, always. the devil makes sure of that. so put in a prayer for us! we could use it. and maybe if you care to, share what you have been struggling with too. it is always nice to hear we are not the only ones and we'll pray for you too. good friends make life easier :)